Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
