I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
