Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
