I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
