you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
