I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
