I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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