i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
