the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
