That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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