He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
