Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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