It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
