I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
