Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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