does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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