By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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