She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
