I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
