my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
