Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
