The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
