Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
