tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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