just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You can't just leave with hair like that
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
