dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
