I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
