A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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