is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
