if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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