I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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