I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
