I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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