mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
