Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
