3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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