Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
