I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Swine flu is the new snow day.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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