Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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