I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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