His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
