I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
