fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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