I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
