Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
