The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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