I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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