my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
