this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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