Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
