Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
