I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
