If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
