Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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