Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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