I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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