On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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