people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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