She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
