When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
