Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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